What Will We Regret When We’re Older?

What will we regret when we are older? I’m in my late 20s, and I already have regrets: I should have majored in something else; I should have worked harder in college; I should have bought Tesla stock in 2015 with my signing bonus. These are decisions, or indecisions, that are difficult or impossible to change. The only things I can do now are to continue living and moving forward, learn from my experiences and mistakes, and not dwell too much on the past. Chances are that I will make more mistakes in the future, and I will accumulate some more regrets, however, I can learn from the common regrets and mistakes of others to avoid common regrets and mistakes. This article will explore the most commonly cited regrets of men and women based on a couple of research papers I’ve found.

The top regret themes:

Education
Assertiveness and self-discipline
Quality time with family
Career development and career pursuits
Taking risks and confronting fears
Saving money
Maintaining health and well-being
Enjoying life more

Education

The most commonly cited regret goes along the lines of:

“I should have taken my education more seriously and worked harder on it”
“I should have completed college”
“I should have majored in something else”

Going back to school to remedy these regrets is easier said than done. If you are still in college, it’s never too late to take your education more seriously, nor is it too late to change your major. If you’re still in your second year, you can start taking different courses. If you’re in high school, you still have plenty of time to explore different career paths. My takeaway from this is that even though I finished college, I can always continue to develop new, relevant skills to apply to my current job. Through websites such as Coursera and Udemy and the plethora of “boot camp” like programs, it’s never too late for us to develop new skills and transition to a different career if we feel we aren’t growing. I will continue to try and learn new things that I can have in my toolbelt.

Assertiveness and self-discipline

Another set of regrets commonly cited is:

“I should have been more self-disciplined”
“I should have been more assertive”
“I should have been more selfish in developing my own abilities”

I read these as wishes that we had prioritized our desires and needs. Sometimes we put our own needs and goals on hold to appease others, and at times we do so without thinking about what we are sacrificing. We can ask ourselves, “Is my voice heard?” Or “Am I sacrificing too much?” When we look at choices we make in school, careers, romantic or general relationships, we must make sure we aren’t passively letting others dictate our lives. There is a difference between compromise and compliance. I have to see if the decisions made are also aligned with my best interest, and although at times difficult, speak up if they aren’t. This is something I can work on.

Family and loved ones

Cited more often by men than women, this regret goes along the lines of:

“I should have spent more quality time with my family”
“I should nurtured and maintained a loving relationship”
“I should have devoted more to relationships with my loved ones”

This regret was cited more often by men and by those older than 65. The ordeal of Covid-19 in 2020 has shown us that the time we have with our loved ones is finite, and we never know when that time can come to an end. It’s been a year-and-a-half since my wife and I moved back to California, and we’ve already spent more time with our family and close friends than if we remained in Michigan. Although staying in Michigan meant a more financially predictable future (our expenses were way lower), we’re glad we decided to move. I believe that the definition of luxury is the ability to spend as much time as you want with the people you love.

Career development

As compared to the previous regret, this one is more often cited by women:

“I should have spend more time developing my career”
“I wanted to have a fulfilling and successful career”

According to the papers below, women often cite this as a regret because they had to leave to workforce too early to become a caretaker for a family member (often a child) and were, therefore, denied the opportunity to continue along the path of career development. It may be important for us to discuss with our significant other what it means to leave the workforce. When it comes time to decide, we should mutually agree on it and come to terms with what we are giving up. At the same time, there are now programs that help re-introduce people back into the workforce.

Taking risks and confronting fears

This regret goes along the lines of:

“I should have taken more risks”

I interpret this regret as not doing something because I was afraid or not doing something because I was already comfortable. Taking a risk doesn’t need to involve something dangerous or thrilling; it could be some decision that we initially overlook as trivial but has the potential to significantly change our life trajectory. For example, some decisions

“Should I take that job that’s more challenging which I may not initially be good at”
“Should I go start this business”
“Should I ask this person out”
“Should I move away from home to go to college and experience a new place”

It’s important to note that the cited regret is that we didn’t take enough risks. Very few say that they took too many risks in life, but of course, there is a balance to everything.

Saving money

The next most commonly cited regret is:

“I should have saved more”
“I should have planned for retirement”

Even squirreling away small amounts consistently can give us more financial freedom when we’re older. Starting to save for our retirements is very important. Even though it may seem challenging, having a plan for when we will retire, how much we will need, and what we plan to do after can help ease our minds.

Maintaining health and well-being

This regret goes along the lines of:

“I wish I maintained a healthy body”

I think investing in our future health is equally as important as investing in our future financial well-being. I’m taking this as a message to prioritize healthy eating, sleeping, and exercising habits.

Enjoying life more

The last regret on our list is:

“I should have worked less and enjoyed my life more”

There’s an overused adage that goes “If you love what you do you will never work a day in your life.” Some of us are blessed to be doing what we love and are truly passionate about for a living. For others, such as myself, my job satisfies me, but if I had all the free time the world had to offer, I wouldn’t be spending it doing what I do at work. Reading, playing video games, spending time with my family, hiking, biking, exploring restaurants and different cuisines, writing, and perhaps mentoring are what bring me joy in life, and I want to make sure that I’ve spent a significant chunk of my life doing these things.

Working late, working weekends, putting off vacation to meet deadlines, and traveling for months on end for the good of the company may be okay for a while, but if we end up making it a habit, we need to make sure we take inventory of what we’re sacrificing.

Sources

Kinnier RT, Metha AT. Regrets and priorities at three stages of life. Counseling and Values. 1989
Gilovich T, Medvec VH. The experience of regret: What, when, and why. Psychological Review. 1995
Metha A, Kinnier R, McWhirter EM. Priorities and regrets of women. Psychology of Women Quarterly. 1989